I've always liked the whiskey
And a pint or nine of stout
In fact I'm game for anything
For when I'm out I'm out
So when a joint is passed around
I always take a toke
And I still recall the only time
I tried a line of coke
It was up above in Dublin
In a place called Bartley Dunnes
There were women there of every kind
Even mini-skirted nuns
As I looked around at the cool cool scene
I said well flipping heck
You'd never get the likes of this
Back home in Killnaleck
I was amazed at all the sexy clothes,
Back home they still wear slacks
But I got the greatest shock of all
When I walked into the jacks
A woman at a urinal
To me that just seemed silly
Then she hoisted up her mini-skirt
And produced a geat big willy
Well I thought about this long and hard
Or should that be hard and long
I mean how'd he get a thing like that
Inside a flimsy thong
I began to plan how I'd escape
How any come-on I'd decline
And that's the reason I said yes
When he said - are you doing a line?
I thought he meant did I have a girl
And like was I going steady
But this didn't seem to put him off
For he said - so are you ready?
And before I knew what was going on
He had a hand-held mirror out
And a line of fine white powder
Disappeared right up his snout
He laid out another one for me
Saying this is real good stuff
So I sniffed it up my virgin nose
Like a granny taking snuff
It seemed to have no effect at all
As I went back out to the bar
Wait 'til I tell the boys back home
It's like being a real rock-star
Of a sudden things seemed clear to me
God I used to be such a fool
I remembered mathematical formulae
That I never knew in school
I felt alive I felt alert
I knew I was the tops
The only thing I didn't see
Was the arrival of the Cops
The beautiful people had disappeared
They'd beaten a quick retreat
With horror I saw the bags of coke
Discarded at my feet
So was I looking at twenty years in jail
Or whatever else you're having
Just one thing could save me now
Don't the Guards all come from Cavan?
And sure enough when the Sarge came in
I knew he'd save the day
We used to spend our summers fishing
Way down Virginia way
When we were cubs we gathered spuds
‘Til our hands did peel and blister
And, though he doesn't know this
I'm courting his wee sister
What the feck are you doing here
Don't you know what this place is like
And he whisked me out the sidedoor
And said now on your bike
But first I'd to promise that I'd be good
That I'd walk the straight and narrow
I wouldn't drink, I'd hardly think
I wouldn't beg or steal or borrow
If an old woman had to cross the road
I'd go up and I'd assist her
And one more thing you randy hoor
Keep away from my wee sister
Well any high I'd felt was gone
All I could do was groan
I found the old jalopy
And I pointed her for home
I got out on the Cavan road
And I drove home at full throttle
And the only coke I've had since then
Had come in a screw-top bottle